A Hidden Well

totally random

Today's Quote: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." - Marianne Williamson

• As I type this I am watching Super Nanny.  It always makes me appreciate how well behaved my kids really are.
• I think I want our next family vacation to be a cruise.  I've been spending far too much time online researching cruises and trying to find a bargain.
• I'm currently reading The Sweet In Between by Sheri Reynolds.
• I'm listening to the audio book Black and White by Dani Shapiro (on CD in the car).
• My parents are coming tomorrow for a quick visit, then taking Chloe home with them to spend the long weekend.
• I've lost 9 pounds since last Tuesday.
• I really have nothing interesting to say, but I'm attempting to honor my promise to myself to write something everyday.
• I made a really funky, colorful necklace yesterday.
• I am determined to have a lot of fun this year.
• I have a whole list of movies that I'd like to see.

1. Precious
2. Avatar
3. It's Complicated
4. The Lovely Bones
5. Extrordinary Measures
6. The Book of Eli

• Today I engaged in some retail therapy.  Bought nothing for myself, but it still felt good.  Chloe fared well.  New socks, undies, sweats, and not one -- but two -- Beatles tee-shirts.
• I hope to have something more interesting to share tomorrow!

the school conundrum

Today's Quote: "Your life, time, and brain should belong to you, not to an institution." - Grace Lwellyn

Jack prefers me not to write about him in this blog, and so I try my best to honor that.  However, in order to write about our conundrum regarding schooling, Jack's name must come up.  The story has a long, complictaed history, which I will significantly condense.  Basically, for the past several years Jack has hated school. And I don't mean that he's just disliked it in the way many kids do, complaining about it now and then but accepting that it's a part of life.  It's been different with Jack.  He LOATHES school.  For two years he was at a magnet school that offered a rigorous curriculum based on the classics.  They studied Latin and read Sophocles.He worked hard but earned phenomenal grades.  They also had an excellent thratre program, in which Jack participated and excelled.  Glenn and I were delighted with the school and assumed it was the perfect fit for Jack.  WRONG.  Despite what appeared to us to be a successful, happy school experience, Jack was miserable.  He spent this past summer campaigning to be home schooled for 8th grade.  He did his research and provided us with plenty of written material supporting the value of home schooling.  Even more strongly, he advocates un-schooling, meaning the individual is able to select the areas of study that most interest him and study them independently and in depth.  Obviously this requires a curious learner with the initiative to learn on his own.  It also requires a tremendous leap of faith on the part of the parents.  In any case, we didn't agree.  We insisted that Jack return to school, but we did opt to remove him from the magnet school and instead have him attend our local public middle school.  And he's no happier there than he was at his former school.

The kid just hates everything about school.  He hates the institution of school and doesn't believe it's the most conducive environment for real learning to take place.  He hates being forced to read books far below his reading level just because that's the book the class is assigned.  He hates that students are encouraged to take notes, memorize, and regurgitate what they've been taught, rather than think outside the box and question the norms.  He is a rebel at heart.  A well behaved rebel, but a rebel none the less.  He's also an incredibly bright rebel.  I do believe he has the initiative to learn a great deal on his own.  And I often do see his point about school.  (Having to raise your hand and ask permission in order to get a tissue to blow your nose is silly at any age, but completely ridiculous at 14 years of age.)  The thing is, I just don't know a whole lot about home schooling / unschooling.  There are plenty of books out there, but most of them address the philosophy of home schooling.  In other words, the literature discusses the value of home schooling, but there's very little available in the way of specifics. There's just so much I don't know.  How do I know he is learning all that he needs to learn?  Yes, you can purchase a packaged curriculum, but that would sort of defeat the purpose.  What Jack wants is to take responsibility for his own education.  And there's a part of me that really wants to support him in that.  But there's another part of me that fears the unknown.  As his mother, I always want to do what is in his best interest.  Is it in his best interest to be forced to remain in an environment that he hates?  Is it in his best interest to be allowed to develop his own educational path?  And how do I ensure that he is learning the essentials?  Yes, I'm home everyday to oversee this, but I am hardly a math scholar.  In truth, I sometimes have trouble helping Chloe with her math homework -- and she's in 4th grade!  (Of course, they do math all crazy these days.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.) 

I suppose for someone not living with Jack this might sound a lot simpler than it actually is.  It's pretty easy for an outsider to say, "Just send him to school.  He'll survive it just like everyone else."  But the thing is, he's really NOT like everyone else.  He's a complicated, unusual individual.  Definitely not a cookie cutter kid.  And as much as I often wish he could just go with the flow, in my heart I know that's not who he is, and trying to make him fit that mold feels wrong to me.  He's incredibly unhappy at school, and incredibly angry at Glenn and I for insisting he attend.  We've sought all kinds of outside help on this matter, by the way, and we are still struggling to figure out what's the "right" thing to do.  It feels like we're in a cosntant state of turmoil.  The tension in the house is thick.  Sleep does not come easily.  It's truly a conundrum.

community

Today's Quote: "When they are alone they want to be with others, and when they are with others they want to be alone. After all, human beings are like that." - Gertrude Stein

Community.  I crave it desperately.  And I shy away from it like crazy.  It's as though one half of my psyche isn't communicating with the other half.  There is a part of me that strongly desires community.  I long to be part of a whole, an intentional group of people who have purposely come together to support one another, to play and celebrate together, to hold and comfort one another in times of sorrow, to listen to one another.  Don't laugh.  That's not just some idealistic, Utopian scenario.  Such community does exist, and can be found, if you are only open to it.  I have had -- and still do have -- opportunities to be part of such community.  The thing is, everytime I really start to feel as though I might belong, I pull back and hide myself beneath a shell, like the hermit crabs you see for sale at the mall.  I'm not sure exactly why I do it.  At least I don't know all the reasons, as I suspect there are many.  I do know that I get scared.  BUT WHY??  What is it that I find so intimidating about the intimacy of hearing others and being heard?  Of being accepted for who I am?  Maybe that's it.  Maybe it's the "who I am" part.  I often worry that if people get to know who I really am, they will be disappointed.  I worry that I won't be as smart or as talented or as funny or as interesting as they initially thought.  I worry that perhaps I am an unintentional fraud, somehow giving an impression of myself that isn't entirely accurate.  I don't mean that I intentionally misrepresent myself.  That's not at all the case.  But I do worry that I will be a disappointment or a let down.  And I suppose that's why community scares me.  Community is a place to be genuine, to be your most authentic sellf.  And what if my authentic self just doesn't cut it?

Having said all of that, I also think that being part of a community requires a leap of faith.  Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump in.  I strongly suspect that it's worth the risk.  And I intend to find out.

Someday.

on turning forty

Today's Quote: "What is more basic than the need to be known?  It is the entirety of intimacy, the elixir of love, this knowing." - Audrey Niffenegger, Her Fearful Symmetry

It is 4:00 PM and already it has been a VERY. LONG. DAY.  Tough session this morning, but I don't feel like talking about that just now.  Instead I will talk about food, or lack thereof.  I am three days into Atkins Phase One.  I am down by four pounds, which isn't too bad.  But I am already so sick of everything that I'm "allowed" to eat. I don't care if I never see another egg, strip of bacon, piece of ham, or slice of cheese again. It's not that I'm hungry.  I'm not.  I'm just terribly bored with the lack of variety.  I'm ready for a piece of toast with blueberry jam.  Or a bowl of ice cream.  Jack just came downstairs and told me I'd picked a bad time to start a diet because, apparently, a Sonic restaurant is opening in Manchester, the next town over.  It's just a fast food place, but for some reason we love it.  They serve all kinds of frosty, fruity drinks.  We've been to Sonics in Florida and New Jersey, but until now there were none to be found in CT.  Sigh.  Only I would get this excited about a stupid burger joint.

I have stuff on my mind.  Some heavy stuff and some just insignificant but annoying stuff.  Here's a partial list:

• turning 40
• community
• connectedness
• jack
• home schooling / un-schooling
• purpose
• strengths survey

Maybe I'll start by talking a little bit about the first item on the list, and make my way through the list over the next several days.  So, I'll begin at the beginning.  Next month I am turning 40 years old.  Forty!  I have never, ever been one to worry about my age, or to want to hide it or lie about it.  It's just a number.  And besides, I love my birthday.  I am grateful to be alive and enjoy celebrating the day I was born.  But I have to admit that I'm actually feeling a bit unesay about turning forty.  There's something about the number 40 that just sounds so old to me.  More than old, it seems to imply maturity and sophistication.  And I feel neither mature nor sophisticated.  On the inside I feel really young, and rather lacking in sophistication.  I don't own a single pair of grown up shoes.  Never owned (nor have any real desire to own) a Coach purse.  My clothes are distinctly unsophisticated.  I wear almost exclusively jeans and sweaters or tee-shirts.  I do sometimes admire my more sophisticated peers who know how to drape scarves around their neck just the right way, or who know how to put together clothing combinations which result in outfits far more trendy and more fashionable than my own.  So maybe if I possessed those talents I'd feel more comfortable turning forty.  I guess it's not so much that I fear 40 because it makes me feel old, but rather because it makes me feel inadequate.  Like I don't have what it takes to be a successful forty year old.  Too bad they don't offer any classes through the local community college on "How to Shine at Forty".  I'd sign up in a heart beat!

Meh

Today's Quote: There is no duty we so underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Grumpy.  Diets suck.  Bringing Casey to gymnastics in five minutes.  Jewelry class tonight, maybe that will lift my spirits.  Often it does.  Other times not.  Better open my heart to happiness.  Aren't you glad you checked my blog today?

Happy Birthday, Jack

Today's Quote: "The first step is to find out what you love-- and don't be practical about it. The second is to start doing what you love immediately, in any small way possible." - Barbara Sher 

Not much going on today.  Jack and Chloe had a two hour delay to the start of school this morning.  I'm not sure why, as the plows were working through the night.  I heard them pass our house at least twice.  But maybe the secondary roads were too slippery or something.  Who knows.  In any case, they were happy with the delay.  Casey, who goes to school in Hartford, did not have a delay.  I was worried that he would put up a fuss about going back to school this morning, as he often does following a vacation.  But he was fine.  No problem at all.

Chloe is now at the neighbor's across the street, sledding down their hill.  Casey is sitting in a laundry basket pretending it's a boat, and snacking on pretzels.  Jack is upstairs hibernating and doing whatever it is he does up there in that dark, wretched hovel he calls a bedroom.  It is his birthday, by the way.  He is fourteen years old, which blows my mind.  How can I be old enough to be the parent of a teenager?  Of course, it means that I am also getting older.  I will be 40 next month, which sounds to me impossibly old and most definitely grown-up.  Tonight we are going to dinner at Moe's, his favorite restaurant, then coming home for chocolate cake.  This means that we've had to put off beginning Atkins until tomorrow.  But I'm ready.   There are a dozen boiled eggs in the fridge, a freezer full of boneless chicken breast, and enough salad green and string cheese to last us a good long while.  I hope I can do this.

Now I'm off to do another load of laundry. (It multiplies every time I blink.)  After that I'm going to find my slippers, as my feet are freezing, and curl up on the couch to read more of Her Fearful Symmetry until dinner.

 
  

sleep over

Today's Quote: "Writing is a certain way of wanting freedom." - Jean-Paul Sartre

Chloe had a friend sleep over last night.  They played hours of Wii, watched a movie, ate popcorn, played board games, and were sound asleep by midnight.  There was lots of giggling.  I'd say it was a successful sleepover.  I loved sleeping over at friends' houses as a kid.  In elementary school I slept an awful lot at the home of my best friend, Erin.  Her house was super neat and clean, and her mom was extremely organized.  I found that comforting.  In jr. high I slept at friends houses practically every weekend, or had a friend sleep at mine.  My favorite place to sleep was Chris Haberle's house.  We'd just hang out in her room listening to music, playing with her cats and her hermit crabs, making mixed tapes,and calling people on the phone.  So many  people have negative jr. high school experiences (including my own son), but I was lucky.  Overall I was really happy in jr. high school.  I hope that Chloe will have a similarly happy experience.  (Oh my.  Only one more year of elementary school before she enters middle school.  Where does the time go?)

Despite the snow, I am headed out in a few minutes to run some errands.  First order of business, Casey needs a hair cut.  Then I'm headed to Borders to return a book I bought last night.  (When I got it home I realized that I've already read it!  Can books be returned?  I hope so.)  Tonight Glenn and I are going to dinner and then to the movies to see Blind Side.  Can't wait!

Tell me about a memorable sleep over experience, if you dare.

resolutions

Today's Quote: "We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations." - Anais Nin

I don't have anything of great interest to write about, but I made a New Year's Resolution to write in some capacity everyday.  I almost never make resolutions, because seriously, who actually keeps them beyond the month of January.  And making New Year's resolutions just seems so contrived.  But I've spent the past year or two just kind of moving through life without giving a whole lot of thought to HOW I was living or what I was doing.  So I think I'm long overdue for some purposeful living.  Hence, I made some resolutions.  Yes, I said some.  Meaning more than one.  I have no idea if I will actually keep these resolutions, but I won't know if I don't try.  (I sound like a living, breathing cliche today.)

My first resolution is to write each day.  It doesn't have to be a lot.  It just has to be something.  A paragraph or two in this blog, a few sentences in my journal, or a letter to a friend.  This means that much of what I write is going to be crap.  That is often the case when one writes even though she has nothing to say.  But so be it.  Writers write, and I miss being a writer.

My second resolution is not to order pizza from People's Choice anymore.  We order from People's Choice because they deliver and there are always coupons in the newspaper.  But their pizza sucks.  And if I'm going to eat pizza, it might as well be good pizza.

Of course, if I manage to stick to my third resolution, I won't actually be eating a whole lot of pizza.  My third resolution is a huge committment, but one that I think is, at this point, necessary.  I'm going to start back on the Atkins Diet. Yeah, yeah, I know everyone has an opinion about Atkins.  People question whether it's healthy, blah, blah, blah.  I can assure you that when I was following Atkins I felt better than ever.  I had tons more energy and the weight just fell off.  And right now I have so much to lose that I need to do something I know will work.  I'm scared, though.  Scared to even try because what if I fail?  What if I don't have what it takes?  What if I feel deprived and become this miserable, bitchy, irritable person that nobody wants to be around?  What if I can't even stand myself?  Ugh.  Better stop writing about it now.  At this rate I'll talk myself out of it in no time.

My fourth resolution is to get some exercise.  Self-explanatory.  Have I mentioned I hate exercise?

My fifth resolution is to keep my desk clean and organized.  (Ha!)

And my sixth resolution is to get a manicure every other week.  (Tough one, huh?)

Anyone else make any resolutions?

what do you believe?

Today's Quote: "We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise, we harden." - Johann von Goethe

Once upon a time I believed . . .

in God.  I believed in unconditional love.  I believed in karma.  In what goes around comes around.  I believed that people are inherently good.  I believed that the Universe listens.  I believed in prayer.  Believed that our words do not fall on deaf ears.  I believed in friendship.  I believed that adversity could be overcome with sufficient love.  I believed that music and art could heal sorrows.  I believed in sunlight and moon glow.  I believed in individuality and I believed in community.  I believed in Unitarian Universalism.  I believed in writing letters, sealing them in envelopes, and sending them off.  I believed in me.  And I believed in you.  I believed there could be an end to us and them, and a beginning to all as one.  I believed that internal beauty mattered.  I believed there were nine planets in our solar system.  I believed I had something to offer.  And poetry.  Ah, yes, I believed in poetry.  

And now I believe . . . 

that there is nothing to believe. I believe that I have fallen out of belief with nearly everything I once so enthusiastically embraced.  I have fallen out of belief the way one falls out of love.  With some pain, a good amount of anger, and an ample dose of disillusionment. 

But ask me again tomorrow what it is I believe.  I may have disovered something new to believe in by then.  I believe that will quite likely be the case.