community

Today's Quote: "When they are alone they want to be with others, and when they are with others they want to be alone. After all, human beings are like that." - Gertrude Stein

Community.  I crave it desperately.  And I shy away from it like crazy.  It's as though one half of my psyche isn't communicating with the other half.  There is a part of me that strongly desires community.  I long to be part of a whole, an intentional group of people who have purposely come together to support one another, to play and celebrate together, to hold and comfort one another in times of sorrow, to listen to one another.  Don't laugh.  That's not just some idealistic, Utopian scenario.  Such community does exist, and can be found, if you are only open to it.  I have had -- and still do have -- opportunities to be part of such community.  The thing is, everytime I really start to feel as though I might belong, I pull back and hide myself beneath a shell, like the hermit crabs you see for sale at the mall.  I'm not sure exactly why I do it.  At least I don't know all the reasons, as I suspect there are many.  I do know that I get scared.  BUT WHY??  What is it that I find so intimidating about the intimacy of hearing others and being heard?  Of being accepted for who I am?  Maybe that's it.  Maybe it's the "who I am" part.  I often worry that if people get to know who I really am, they will be disappointed.  I worry that I won't be as smart or as talented or as funny or as interesting as they initially thought.  I worry that perhaps I am an unintentional fraud, somehow giving an impression of myself that isn't entirely accurate.  I don't mean that I intentionally misrepresent myself.  That's not at all the case.  But I do worry that I will be a disappointment or a let down.  And I suppose that's why community scares me.  Community is a place to be genuine, to be your most authentic sellf.  And what if my authentic self just doesn't cut it?

Having said all of that, I also think that being part of a community requires a leap of faith.  Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump in.  I strongly suspect that it's worth the risk.  And I intend to find out.

Someday.