Today's Quote: "Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart give yourself to it." - Buddha
Here's what I want to know: Is it normal to be filled with a roiling, restless turmoil? My life, although quite busy, is fairly peaceful on the outside. Externally things are relatively calm and cool. But on the inside, there is much unrest. Beneath my skin, chaos reigns. This is not to say that I am unhappy. I must be clear about that. I do not consider myself at all an unhappy person. I have a husband I love deeply, three kids that I'm crazy about, a warm house in a nice neighborhood, supportive friends, reasonably good health and security. There's no doubt about it. In the concrete circumstances of my Iife, I am richly blessed.
Which is why I cannot understand the presence of this internal tumult. It fills me to overflowing, this itchy restlessness. If it had a voice it would be shouting impatiently, "Get on with it already! What are you waiting for? Stop dragging your feet!" The truth is, I wish I could get on with it. And I would get on with it -- if only I could figure out what "it" is. If only I knew the source of the restlessness and what exactly it is urging me to do.
Does it have something to do with getting older? Is it because I'm pushing 40 and still haven't figured out what I'm going to be when I grow up? As if just being who I am is not a sufficient answer to that ever looming question. Is it because I am a Jill of all trades and a Master of none? Am I longing for a real sense of success and measurable accomplishment? Is it because I have an abundance of ideas and a dearth of motivation? Is it because I am a writer who no longer writes?
I don't know the reason behind the restlessness, and even if I did I'm not entirey certain that simply "knowing" would make it stop. In fact, I'm pretty certain that knowing is not enough. I'm pretty certain that knowing is almost never enough. I'm pretty darn certain that knowing is over-rated.